Divorce - THE TEN STAGES OF GRIEF

 

THE TEN STAGES OF GRIEF

The grief process must be pursued within the heart and cannot be
hurried. It takes a great deal of time; even a year or more. Here is
where a great many get caught on the rebound. They look for someone or something to silence that pain. This always ends up in disaster.

Jumping into another relationship only hides the grief for a little
while. It will surface again and must be dealt with, sooner or later.
Second marriages are destroyed by this process. One or both
parties have not permitted the grieving process to run its course.

This may be the worse pain you have ever had to endure. The death of a relationship (divorce) has been found to be the most stressful and painful experience known. It is not an actual death, where one can finalize the grieving process and they never see the person again. The death of a relationship is as painful as loosing a loved one except
they are still around as a reminder, and fuel negative emotions like
bitterness, Unforgiveness, fear, hate and so on. Naturally this
knowledge will not lessen the pain, or minimize your grief. What it
does do is assist you in giving yourself up to it, giving you courage
in knowing it will one day be over with. Giving yourself up to it
is the only way to start the healing and obtaining a complete healing.

This is where Jesus comes in.
God will walk you through this extremely painful and trying ordeal in
grace and love. He gives a peace that goes beyond anything you can
imagine. Going through this process is a given; you need to complete
it, in order to save your sanity. Responding favorably will cause you
to grow stronger than ever. Either way you will be a new person.
Positive or negative is up to you.

I. Shock
Some never go through a prolonged stage of shock and are able to
express their emotions immediately. Others will say, "I feel numb"
without any real emotional expression. This could be a type of denial
and is very destructive. Eventually it comes out one way or another,
positive or negative. Children will bury their shock, because they do
not want to believe the two people they love and trust the most, hate
one another. It can come out in the form of bedwetting; silence;
diminished appetite; withdrawal; or sleeplessness.

II. Emotional Release
This is where a person begins to feel and hurt. Many people start
here. Grieving in tears is good; possibly the greatest relief, because
tears wash the heart. If a person, particularly a child, isn’t able to
express these emotions, they will manifest in another way, either
physically or emotionally. Unfortunately, many partners blame the
emotional pain children feel on the other partner, which only builds
more unhealthy feelings in the children. The children know better and
it will backfire one day.

Some need to be induced to cry or express themselves. This is
particularly true with men and male children. If this is not expressed
in a controlled way, later on in life it might be expressed in an
uncontrolled way, causing everyone around them to experience their
grief inappropriately. Generally the parent they’re with is blamed for
the pain, because they are viewed as the one that would not allow them to grieve. Here we can see how years later another relationship is destroyed.

In our culture men are not allowed to cry, but it should be
encouraged! Harboring Unforgiveness magnifies everything and delays the recovery process. It numbs the guilt and makes sinning easier, and it fosters bitterness.

III. Preoccupation With The Ex-Partner
Try as you might, you may find yourself preoccupied with thoughts of
the other person; unable to shift your thoughts. This will get better
as time goes on. Thinking negatively through resentment could be very damaging and can cause deep wounds that take forever to heal. It can even destroy future relationships.

Forgiveness is the key. What you do with those feelings will determine the kind of person you become. It will contribute in determining what kind of people your children will become.

Some people feel married for long periods of time after the divorce,
which is normal, because they have bonded. Most even feel an elevated love for the ex-spouse.

IV. Some Symptoms of Physical and Emotional Distress
These symptoms or distresses may come in many forms; in waves, lasting anywhere from several minutes to even an hour or so.

The most common are:
Sleeplessness
Tightness in the throat.
Choking, with shortness of breath.
A need for sighing
Empty hollow feeling in the stomach.
Lack of muscle control (bedwetting)
Digestive disorders
Lack of appetite
Uncontrolled eating.
Hyperactivity

Note: Watch for these symptoms in children and see if they last longer than a few hours.

Associated with the physical distress may be certain emotional
anxieties.

The most common are:

Slight sense of unreality.
Feelings of emotional distance from people (no one cares)
Feeling “shadowy” or very “small”
Panic
Self Destruction
A desire to run away

Feelings like this can cause you to think you’re losing your sanity,
or approaching insanity, but they are all normal. Its how you deal
with them that counts. Children experience the same feelings that
adults do; watch them, especially teenagers. It isn’t uncommon for
children to attempt suicide. Be very careful not to contribute to
their justification for such a thing.

V. Hostility
These feelings can be surprising and inexplicable. They can make you
feel like you’re going insane. Anger may be directed towards the other partner; their lover; the children; family; even God, but this is very normal. It is what you do with the anger that counts.
Understand that the other partner is going to go through this, as well
as the children. Children can “lock up” emotionally and it will come
out in other areas of their lives later on; possibly in their own
marriages. It must be expressed.

VI. Guilt
There is always some sense of guilt in this process; thoughts of,
“could I have done something different?”, or, “its all ‘their’ fault.”
Its tempting to relieve the guilt by converting it to blame, but
remember; two people cannot live together without some hurt being
done. Feeling guilty is normal, but converting it to “blame” is
disastrous. It halts the healing process; stops it dead in its tracks.

VII Depression
Many feel total despair; unbearable loneliness; hopelessness;
detachment. Nothing seems worthwhile. These feelings are far more
intense for those who live alone or have very little family support. A
good support system is extremely important (support groups, church,
clubs, etc.). This type of depression seems awful, but is actually a
part of the healing, and will do a wondrous work within you.

VIII. Withdrawal
Some withdraw from social activities and relationships. Daily routines
are severely disrupted. This is normal but not healthy. It becomes a
place to hide; a fortress of solitude. Once the walls are up they’re
very difficult to penetrate. Most need a lot of encouragement to leave
their solitude.

IX. The Light At the End of the Tunnel
Time and the Holy Spirit will finally produce a better situation.
Suddenly there is light. The dark cloud of gloom dissipates; life
comes back into focus, and you begin to move forward. This only
happens if you have been honest with yourself; only if you’ve resisted
the temptation to take a big mental, emotional, or spiritual step
backwards.

X. Times of Readjustment
There will be moments and seasons where you will feel a touch of the
grief again. I call this a wave. This is very normal and will diminish
as time passes. It is important to express your feelings.

To get to the last two stages, you must experience the first eight,
but people try to avoid the extreme pain of the grieving process and
inflict permanent deep wounds that may never heal. They come out later in the form of bitterness; Unforgiveness, and hate for the ex-partner.

These very same effects manifest in the children. In turn, bitterness;
Unforgiveness and hate become a part of their character. This is very
unfortunate. They learn to hate and run instead of to love and
forgive.

In walking through this process, you will emerge a better person.
Allow it to complete its work and you and your children will grow in
leaps and bounds.

Jesus will be there with you, if you allow Him.
His love and grace will cover you like a warm blanket.

By Greg Ewert / Copyright 1996/All Rights Reserved

Serve Where You Are

By Greg Ewert – March 19, 2012

I cannot count how many times I’ve written and spoke on this subject.

We are all called into service, but not all of us are called into the fulltime five fold ministries.  You would be surprised, at how much you do for God, walking the kids to the bus stop; singing those little worship choruses, as you load the dishwasher; taking that walk in the park.  You would be amazed at how much you change, by moving from point A.. to point B.  And on the job.. Whoa!  if you could see into the spirit realm, you would be shocked at what God is using your presents to do. I hope you enjoy the devotional I placed after this. 

Thank You For Visiting my blog… Greg 

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This Portion is Reprinted With Permission –

This was my Morning devotional, I felt compelled to share it with you.

The Fallacy of Full-Time Christian Work
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 1 by Os Hillman
Monday, March 19 2012

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." -
Colossians 3:23-24

"I didn't know you were in full-time Christian work," said my close friend as we were driving. "I didn't realize that," she went on. I responded, "Every person who has followed the will of God in their life is in full-time Christian work." God calls some to the mission field, others to be accountants, and others to be advertising executives, and still others to be construction workers. God never made a distinction between sacred and secular. In fact, the Hebrew word avodah is the root word having the same meaning of "work" and "worship." God sees our work as worship.

We have incorrectly elevated the role of the Christian worker to be more holy and committed than the person who is serving in a more secular environment. Yet the call to the secular workplace is as important as any other calling. God has to have His people in every sphere of life. Otherwise, many would never come to know Him because they would be separated from society.

I learned this lesson personally when I sought to go into "full-time" service as a pastor in my late twenties, only to have God thrust me back into the business world unwillingly. This turned out to be the best thing He could have done for me, because it was never His will for me to be a pastor. He knew I was more suited for the workplace.

We are all in missions. Some are called to foreign lands. Some are called to the jungles of the workplace. Wherever you are called, serve the Lord in that place. Let Him demonstrate His power through your life so that others might experience Him through you today and see your vocation as worship to His glory.

 

Thank You !

Stepping up to the fight

 

As children, the Holy Spirit guards and protects us. Here is where we establish our relationship with God. However, after years of milk and cookies, the sweeter things that draw us near to Him, we are expected to learn how to feed ourselves. We are expected to learn how to prepare a meal, set the table, and serve it to those around us.

Then… There comes the day, when hiding and waiting for God to fight our battle, doesn’t work anymore.  There comes a day when we are expected to fight for what has been placed in our custody. 

I meet people all the time that are being beaten by the Devils cohorts. They retreat to isolation, and they are even held captive, in the many prisons of our enemy. In our walk as believers we are expected, at some point, to grow up, to strap on the armor, and fight.

Put on all of God's armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies and tricks of the Devil. {12} For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against those mighty powers of darkness who rule this world, and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms. {13} Use every piece of God's armor to resist the enemy in the time of evil, so that after the battle you will still be standing firm. (Eph 6:11-13 NLT)

No… God does not expect us to dive into the mix alone; not always.  There are those times we must stand, with our armor and battle face. 

I had a dream, years ago:

I was standing on a big rock, overlooking some blank rolling hills of sand.  I was a Watchman… standing guard over a territory I was responsible for.  Every now and then, something would pop up over one of those little hills, and I would see a fiery dart heading in my direction.  Bang… Bang… Bang… those darts hit my shield; sometimes more than one or two at a time.  The enemy got really good at disguises, and would get pretty darn close before opening fire; POW! they hit my shield hard and yes, a few got by my shield. My armor saved me, but it hurt. 

After a barrage of darts and arrows, I heard something new.  Like a storm off in the distance… a faint roar at first…

It got louder and louder.  I stood tall, up on my toes, looking out over the rolling hills.  With my eyes strained on the horizon, I caught a quick glimpse of something on fire and coming fast.  It was hugging the surface… disappearing behind the hills, only to pop up  again, as it got closer, and closer. 

Suddenly… there it was.  I could see it clearly.  It wasn’t a dart, an arrow, or a spear.  It was a missile, a rocket of some sort. I barely had a second to raise my shield when it hit.  The explosion was deafening, and there was fire and smoke; but I was still standing. 

One by one… several more rockets hit.  They were not hitting my shield every-time. They were hitting the rock I was standing on as well. Then I noticed, just before the rockets hit, the sky filled with arrows. More and more of these arrows and darts were getting past the hills, the rock, and even my armor.  After a while I was on my knees, my shield was battered, burnt, and full of holes.  My armor was smoldering and I was in pain. 

The roar was louder than before and I couldn’t tell which direction it was coming from. I stood up, and scanned the horizon. I spotted one, two, three… There were four rockets coming from four different directions.   I pulled my shield close and in the back of my mind I thought this was the end. 

I closed my eyes and a few seconds later…  BOOM!… A giant cloud of fire, smoke, and fragments went everywhere.  Stunned, I realized I had not felt the impact.  I opened my eyes to see my friends, they were standing all around me, with their shields acting like a wall.  One by one they turned to me and winked.  As the rockets, exploded and air filled with arrows.

It was only a few minutes, but it seemed like hours, before silence and a cool breeze cleared the air.  Hurting, like I never thought possible, my friends tended my wounds. 

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I tried to keep this story short and have left out a lot of details. One lesson to be learned here is…

Well.. there might be more than one lesson here. 

 

Greg Ewert

Your Social Security

Social Security Broke?

THEY FORGOT TO FIGURE IN THE PEOPLE WHO DIED BEFORE THEY COLLECTED THEIR SOCIAL SECURITY!!!!

WHERE DID THAT MONEY GO????

This was sent to me, I am forwarding it because it does touch a nerve in me.
This is another example of what Rick Perry called "TREASON in high places" !!!

Get angry and pass this on!
Remember, not only did you contribute to Social Security but your employer did too. It totaled 15% of your income before taxes. If you averaged only $30K over your working life, that's close to $220,500.

If you calculate the future value of $4,500 per year (yours & your employer's contribution) at a simple 5% (less than what the govt. pays on the money that it borrows), after 49 years of working you'd have $892,919.98.

If you took out only 3% per year, you'd receive $26,787.60 per year and it would last better than 30 years (until you're 95 if you retire at age 65) and that's with no interest paid on that final amount on deposit! If you bought an annuity and it paid 4% per year, you'd have a lifetime income of $2,976.40 per month.

The folks in Washington have pulled off a bigger Ponzi scheme than Bernie Madhoff ever had.

Entitlement my ass, I paid cash for my social security insurance!!!! Just because they borrowed the money, doesn't make my benefits some kind of charity or handout!!

Congressional benefits ---- free healthcare, outrageous retirement packages, 67 paid holidays, three weeks paid vacation, unlimited paid sick days, now that's welfare, and they have the nerve to call my social security retirement entitlements?

We're "broke" and can't help our own Seniors, Veterans, Orphans, Homeless
In the last months we have provided aid to Haiti, Chile, and Turkey.

And now Pakistan......home of bin Laden. Literally, BILLIONS of DOLLARS!!!

Our retired seniors living on a 'fixed income' receive no aid nor do they get any breaks while our government and religious organizations pour Hundreds of Billions of $$$$$$'s and Tons of Food to Foreign Countries!

They call Social Security and Medicare an entitlement even though most of us have been paying for it all our working lives and now when it's time for us to collect, the government is running out of money. Why did the government borrow from it in the first place?

Imagine if the *GOVERNMENT* gave 'US' the same support they give to other countries.
Sad isn't it?
99% of people won't have the guts to forward this.
I'm one of the 1% -- I Just Did.

By Their Fruits

The Question was asked: "Just wondering... Do you think: What you say, what you wear, music you blare from your vehicle or places you frequent reflect the real you? What is your opinion on this one folks?"

Well... There is this verse in the bible where Jesus addresses an issue likened to this:

(Mat 11:17-19 NLT)  "'We played wedding songs, and you weren't happy, so we played funeral songs, but you weren't sad.' {18} For John the Baptist didn't drink wine and he often fasted, and you say, 'He's demon possessed.' {19} And I, the Son of Man, feast and drink, and you say, 'He's a glutton and a drunkard, and a friend of the worst sort of sinners!' But wisdom is shown to be right by what results from it.""

Summer of 2001

I was standing on a foot bridge overlooking a popular park here in Eugene... and whoa!  There was a boom-box blaring and the whole scene looked like a hippie commune from 1970.  Nekked girls and all...  I was disgusted and said, "Dear Lord, get me out of here (Eugene)"

 I was leaning on the rail and the Holy Spirit barked at me like a Drill Sergent and said, "Stand up straight and look out there" referring to the whole park; "I love everyone of those people; I died for them; and I expect you to do the same". 

A week later I was out of food and looking around for something to pawn. When this ragged individual knocked on my door... She smelled like a brewery, she looked like something you would find behind a dumpster... "Here she said, God told me and my friends to bring you food" They carried in 5 bags of groceries. Since then, I have been 100% dependent on God for everything. AND... He never sends me anything via the churches around here. You have never been humbled until a single mom, with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth, knocks on your door and hands you her last $5.00 ... I had to learn the hard way... to not judge a person by what they look like or where they are... I have a million stories about that ... I go by... the fruits...  What happened.. what changed.. what magnificent thing is God doing in the wake of that persons life ?  

Matt 7 is a good chapter to read:

(Mat 7:17-23 NLT)  "A healthy tree produces good fruit, and an unhealthy tree produces bad fruit. {18} A good tree can't produce bad fruit, and a bad tree can't produce good fruit. {19} So every tree that does not produce good fruit is chopped down and thrown into the fire. {20} Yes, the way to identify a tree or a person is by the kind of fruit that is produced. {21} "Not all people who sound religious are really godly. They may refer to me as 'Lord,' but they still won't enter the Kingdom of Heaven. The decisive issue is whether they obey my Father in heaven. {22} On judgment day many will tell me, 'Lord, Lord, we prophesied in your name and cast out demons in your name and performed many miracles in your name.' {23} But I will reply, 'I never knew you. Go away; the things you did were unauthorized.'"

Sheesh, I should blog on this issue... LOL.. I could really go on this subject.. 

I Toss and Turn:

I read this, this morning... It hit me in a very personal place. To be looked upon differently; to be judged differently; to wake up one day and find myself on the other side of that glass wall; unable to get around without a mobility scooter 90% of the time; and remembering the days when I was a athlete; sportsman; and even considered a candidate to run for public office.  

 

It can happen to anyone... FLASH ! BANG! ... in minutes everything about you and your life can change.  NEVER think, it couldn't happen to you.  

I Tossed and Turned: Look Me In The Eye

Story Courtesy of Rick Dancer Media Services

I didn’t sleep much last night. I tossed and turned, rocked and rolled. Moments of my day found their way from my memory into my consciousness and I couldn’t shake them.

I started my day with my favorite people, the clients of Full Access, Oregon Supported Living Program and Look Me In The Eye. We kicked off the month of September by proclaiming it “Look Me In The Eye” month.

Almost every city in Lane County made the proclamation. As did, Coos Bay, North Bend, Sutherlin, Roseburg and Albany.

Even many of our local school districts joined in.

We held a press conference to tell the world but only one radio station showed up. It doesn’t matter because our message is still loud, it’s clear and it’s so important it will spread through people like you.

As I looked out over the crowd of clients, staff, chamber members, politicians and interested community members I thought back three years ago when none of this existed.

I watched clients smile as we also dedicated a new elevator we put on our building. Not many people get excited over an elevator but we do because access is in our name and it’s what we are all about.

I watched my brother in law Chip Diehm as he saw people paying attention to him. He, and those like him were the focus of the day.

I was thinking to myself, this is probably the best thing I’ve ever been involved with. I was getting a little choked up as I thought of the importance of our message and those it aims to free.

All of the sudden I hear Eugene Mayor Kitty Piercy say: “I’d also like to thank Rick Dancer for all his hard work and passion on this campaign.” She looked at me in the eye and smiled and I nearly lost it.

Her thank you was genuine. It wasn’t scripted. No one told the mayor to say it she just understands my heart for this issue and my passion for these people.

I thank you Mayor Piercy for your kind words. I thank you and the other mayors and school districts for seeing value in those we represent.

The day ended in front of the 4j school board where Amelia Abel joined me to explain Look Me In The Eye to the board. I watched my friend Amelia as she took her pain from behind a face that hides her ability and instead reveals her disability. I saw tears in the eyes of a few board members as she talked of her loneliness and her inability to change that.

We have the power to open doors for Amelia and others like her. There is a glass wall separating us and it is ours to open and folks we really must shatter the glass now.

Before the sun came up this morning I was driving to my usual running place when a song came on about a lonely girl. I started to cry, not just tears but cries with actual noise attached. I needed to let that out. I needed to remind myself that this is so important.

As I ran around the Walterville Pond I started shouting out loud. I was just cheering. Don’t worry there are no people around at that hour of day so I’m not wearing a straight jacket as I write this.  I think I’m finding my purpose hidden in the heart of the people around me.

When you see someone you don’t understand whether disabled, a person of color or someone who is gay or lesbian, take the time to simply look them in the eye and you will discover the only thing you see is that they are human and that they matter.

A Little Bit About Greg

Okay, I will put it in writing, though I have always said I wouldn't... But It will be easier to point at this blog than to tell it over and over again.  I'll be 55 in a few days... and hopes of ever being in a relationship have faded away.  I've been told over and over to not post or tell anyone I'm disabled as long as I can cover it up... especially if I ever hoped I would date again. But what the heck... here is a brief overview.  So I will just let it flow out... here we go! 


Over and over, my entire life, I begged God for a single profession. So I could establish an identity. So when people asked I could say.. I'm a carpenter... or a program coordinator... But no, every time I tried to lock into a profession, something would happen and I was into something new. Maintenance and remodeling worked good because I could use a multitude of gifts and talents all at once... then the accident... and bingo !  

NOW.... I'm into the computer and the internet. Just as my web business started taking off... BINGO!  Heart attack... then infection... boom.. another heart attack... open heart surgery... another infection... just as I'm starting to feel better BINGO!

Cut cut cut ... I loose half my colon to what they thought was cancer. And something happened to my leg along the way, and I now need a mobility scooter. All this since 2007... and the kids club is now gone, the computer lab gone, my website business.. POOF! gone.  

And Here we go again...

I'm not even counting the 9 surgeries I had before 2006... and the unidentifiable auto immune disorder. Yet, the CAT scans and tests, say I'm doing pretty darn good; and I'm not even on any heart meds anymore. Never did have high blood presure, or any of the usual heart stuff that tends to bring on an attack. 

I live it pain everyday. My skeletal structure, by bones, do not look real good on xrays. After I had put on 40lbs from the RA treatments I finally get into see a rheumatologist and I do not have RA... but I have Fibromyalgia and Polymyalgia ... Sucks Hey !   I still think the doctors just reach into a bag and pull out a name when they just don't know why your SED rate hovers between 60 and 90... and life hurts...

My life has been more like living four different lives in 10 year increments.  When change would come, it did so in a big way, completely changing everything.  Keeping me 100% dependent on God and his provisions.  Now it seems my creative side, poems, photography, writing... ect... just turned off. 

When I pray and ask God why I have to know so many things, he replies, "For a day that has not come yet..."  Thats it.. no details...  100% faith... in a day that has not come yet.  LOL.. Never imagine that God does not have a sense of humor. 


It feels really weird posting this... 


Greg